You want to encourage this great friend …your good intended encouraging words, however, sometimes strike like a frozen sword.
Check the below DO and DONT list to see if you did any unwanted harm.
I have aI have received mails already of women telling me they suffer in silence, feeling very vulnerable and even ashamed. I am here out there on the net with my ‘naked butt’ to help and encourage all of you to believe and stick together with your friends, family and your partner for whatever battle you are in for.
If you have a friend or family struggling to get a baby and you with all your good intention words want to encourage them, please read below first. I know more than anybody else that sometimes those really true good intended words hit just the wrong buttom at the wrong time.
DO and DONTS for your partner, friend or family struggling to get a baby source: click on link end of page
1. Don’t tell them to relax. Comments such as “just relax” create even more stress for the infertile couple. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
2. Don’t minimize the problem. Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Comments like, “Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.,” do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain.
3. Don’t say there are worse things that could happen. Different people react to different life experiences in different ways.
4.Don’t say they are not meant to be parents. “One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, ‘Maybe God doesn’t intend for you to be a mother.’” Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
5. Don’t ask why they are not trying IVF. Because most insurance plans do not cover IVF treatment, many are unable to pay for the out-of-pocket expenses. Infertility stress is physical, emotional, and financial. ( or they have perhaps already several ones and the doctor has told them to stop)
6. Don’t push adoption or another solution. So often infertile couples are asked, “Why don’t you just adopt?” The couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision or chose another family building option.
7. Don’t say, “You’re young, you have plenty of time to get pregnant.” Know the facts. It’s recommended that women under 35 see a fertility specialist after being unable to conceive for one year. Being young increases your chance of fertility treatments working, but it does not guarantee success.
8. Don’t gossip about your friend’s condition.
9. Don’t be crude. Don’t make crude jokes about your friend’s vulnerable position. Crude comments like, “I’ll donate the sperm” or “Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination” are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
10. Don’t complain about your pregnancy. For many facing infertility, it can be hard to be around other women who are pregnant. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Not complaining can make things a little easier for your friend.
11. Don’t question their sadness about being unable to conceive a second child. Having one child does not mean a couple feels they have completed their family. Also, a couple may have had their first child naturally and easily but are now experiencing secondary infertility
12. Don’t ask whose “fault” it is. Male or female factor. Just because a friend has told you he or she is experiencing infertility as a couple, does not mean he or she wants to discuss the details. On the other hand, don’t assume the infertility is female factor. 1/3 of infertility is female factor, 1/3 is male factor, and 1/3 is unexplained.
BUT please DO:
1. Let them know that you care.
2. Don’t push, but let them know you’re available.
3. Support their decision to stop treatment.
4. Let them know about your pregnancy. But deliver the news in a way that lets them handle their initial reaction privately – email is best.