Nymphs of fear whispering you paradise

Do we all have something where we are unique at?

Take Philip Segmour Hoffmann, the actor, who did all those great movies. For me, undoubtedly a great talent. He probably adored acting and when he was at it, for sure in a great divine flow and on a high. So why the drugs?

Philip was not alone, same with Amy Winehouse, Billy Holiday and many more. All blessed with such enormous talent, they could fly. So why follow a dark ocean and get drown? If they could hear angelic voices instead.

Were these persons simply more sensitive and courageous than others? Or is there a price to pay for divine talents?

If others were gifted with talents, does it mean there were also “children of a lesser god”, like me, that ended up with no talent?

Raise up your hand now if you wish you had your own unique talent. A talent that feels like living in a loving world of your own, all worries disappear and you wish it never stops. I do. So how do we find it?

I heard a story the other day, telling there are just two emotions in life. The rest of our emotions are just derivates of these two: Love and Fear.  If love is what we feel when we simply enjoy what we do, the shame and apologising veil we put ourselves must be our fear. This hungry inhuman creature, living in our own Lochness lake of pain, can be fed by anything from a raw and screaming youth to a simple remark of your class mates that sticked for ever.

Are we missing the big point of what we should do, because we are blinded by fear?  The odds are very high that  the “IT” I should be doing, is something that I am overlooking as it is something that I already do but I have labeled as too banal and common. Something I like to do, but I parked already in the “nothing special” corner and so we keep on looking for something that is just below our eyes.

I thought I had found my own “IT” already. I had in an earlier life already changed career and followed my passion for fashion. Eight years passed like nothing, I worked passionately on making beautiful collections, but I ended up being drained and unhappy. What had started as a love affair ended up in a toxic relationship. Why?

I was all excited when I quit my established and safe banking job in my home country, I left all securities behind and went all the way for an “impossible”challenge in the unpredictable world of fashion at the age of 32. I was for sure not driven by any fear and there was this excitement for the newness telling to go on. The first time I was on the list to enter the fashion door I still remember. What a high! You are in awe  and so driven by passion and the fact you managed to get in, simply made you walk on clouds. The first promotions came in and soon enough I worked for my favourite prestigious brand in Paris. But the truth is that like any drugs, after a period that nothing seems to be able to break you, there comes a time it is simply never enough and from enjoying creations of beautiful things, I ended up like a junkie not getting high anymore from anything but simply trying to get through the day and needed more just not to feel the pain.

There is a weak spot in everybody that needs reassurance. We are sometimes so tired and lost that we see only remedy in the conspiring voices of our own sea nymphs, whispering us that compensation, recognition (or whatever you label it) will put the pain to silence, seducing us to follow down into the deep cold ocean where the noise of fear will become deaf and dumb.

If for all those years we have been anchored ourselves down there in a “mute” world and we want to set free, how can we unravel ourselves?

ed139508fa6382ad45dd43ba6745b116_FotorNo matter how deep you are in the ocean, there is deep inside of you something that continues speaking to you. In a language of no words it was telling me to not to grieve to leave something and trust something new would come, just like in the poems of Rumi.

I left my fashion job and decided not to listen any of those seducing voices teasing me with fears while swimming up. Like Odysseus I resisted the whispering promises from the sea. I tied myself up to the boat, prepared to confront any weather that would come upon my road, closed my ears and passed the hypnotising echoes of the sirens.

Once you are up the hardest part is still to come, the sirens were just ghosts that you could put aside, but now that you have swum towards the surface and are breathing again, in the calmer waters you have to come clear also with the bleeding heart of the problem that is now floating and mirroring on the water: YOU.

Why did you need a career, why you needed to cover up ? What is that we will see once all that wild troubled water stops?

Sometimes the answer is not such a feel good story as you would like and it simply raw and indigestible sad.

When I was around 11 years old, I started to fill up my room with beautiful colourful boards of add campaigns of Dior and Parisian fashions shows, disappearing for hours and hours in the beauty of my own under water world Fashion. Not for the love of Alaia or YSL, but simple cause they allowed to dream of an other world then mine. And it worked, when I looked outside of the window seeing other kids playing, in my room I found my own safe place around my boards not to feel lonely and excluded anymore and like this I met and followed in a spell my first sea nymph into the waters.

Have the courage to take this lonely kid back in your arms, cherish and hug it. With the eyes of love, look again and there you will find yourself, the kid and next to it, your passion, your talent, just right there next to you waiting, patiently all those years.

Follow. Love or Fear. “If you keep your eyes open you will see the things worth seeing.” Thank you Rumi.

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