All you need is 5 seconds of insane courage


I don’t know if you have read my other blog about the water nymphs. But bottom line, it was about how to look for your own inborn talent that has been waiting patiently for years for you to be seen and picked up and to enjoy with full happiness.

It has been over 2 weeks now that I have been walking around with a new revolution in my arms. Although it should feel like floating in the air embraced by a new freedom and screaming out to everybody I am on my way, reality is that carrying my new uprising feels like plomp and rather than lifting me up, I am glued to the floor. I stopped even writing, my way of liberating my thoughts and to read afterwards what is going on my head. I am clearly too scared to read my own spinning myself this time.

The problem, when revealing your own talent, is that as it is a talent of course it comes naturally to you. So when I “discovered” what my talent was, I immediately doubted and struggled with questions and remarks like ”this is not special at all” and “what kind of special thing can you do with such an amateur talent like mine?”

In an attempt to live and accept myself, I am humbly putting my talents there to water this idea I have. A dossier with big letters CONFIDENTIAL on it, where in secret with a shy shame, I work in on my own little revolution as significant (or insignificant according to my own water nymphs) it may be.

This -in the closet- rising is growing by the days. Most of everything I hope it will inspire you too to explore and stand up for your own talent’s rights and create your own upheaval.

There are moments when new pieces of my rebellion puzzles arrive. It feels like a mysterious warm river filling my hearth with “home“ water. A feeling so “womb” nice that I know I am doing the right thing. But this feeling does not last forever, the rest of the time I have to deal to live with the many tiny heart attacks this transformation is causing in my body. Snipers hitting me at the middle of the panic rose.

I faced struggles and have done crazy dive jumps before; I redid my high school exam three times, left an established financial career at the age 32 to restart a career with blossoming passion as an intern at a fashion company. I had 3 jobs to work out my annual university fee for 5 years and struggled to graduate on a topic that did not interest me but just to please my father. They all seemed endless but I knew I was going till the very end with no doubt.

So with all that luggage on my back, why am I so scared of this one?

All those quotes that I read to give me some courage, like “the end of the comfort zone is where life begins” and “when it scares you it might be the right thing to do”, all lose their appeal when a tiger ferocious fear is looking you straight in the eye. The only quote making sense now is “if it feels like sh*tting in your pant, go to the toilet.”

As we speak I have secluded myself in my country house where there are no sounds except the one of the wind and my stomach making burbling water sounds, mumbling with a mouth full it is feeling sick. Hoping to find in this peaceful nature environment my answer and courage to get ready to revolt myself.

How to get the courage? How to make a plan? I have been writing some little notes in my notebook. But it has not all come to one single BIG Messiah project yet. Long away from water nymphs, I still sometimes hear a sea wind whispering me “Who is going to care?”

And even if I know from common Facebook wisdom postings that you do it for yourself; are we secretly not lying to ourselves and do we not all long in silence for some recognition of any kind?

If it is not the mass confirming you with the touch of a “like” button what you do, then at least one person telling you, that your story made a difference or helped them go ahead.

Longing for recognition has become the 2014/2015 shame and guilty pleasure?

We all want to feel significant in some kind of way and why should be ashamed of it? Is this the true new mutiny we should be talking about it?

So let’s get it on, Mrs Revolution. Lets get ready for some Russian roulette. I am taking my position to jump.

Imagine this moment;you close your eyes just before you take a bungee jump at 60 meters in a cold winter morning. Around and below of you the only companion is just a dense humid cold fog. Do you get the picture?

Well, I am there and look at me when I am jumping. Don’t mistake my facial expression for calmness, I am in adrenaline shock and don’t be fooled by my giggling, it is my in vane attempt to steam off some pressure and trying to still look nice in a panic pose. Inside I am living a fear at its coldest freezing purity. That first step to decide when to jump, knowing that once you will be floating, nobody can do anything anymore; it is done.

OK, I go, knowing that you are thinking of me NOW, it feels like the invisible hand holding me. In the split second before I jump I will think of you and squeeze your hand and thank God you are there.



Ayurvedic India Day 6-9: a Smirti moment….a sniper in the night bringing a message

In one of my last blog I wrote already about messages from the universe that appeared during the quest to realise my dream. THE reason why I am in India. The quest that the doctors in Europe already had given up upon, but Ayurvedic India had not.

I started my Pancha Karma (PK- a deep cleansing) here in India, after I did the very blessed mysterious banana treatment……..

Not only am I cleansing physically after all hormone treatments that had swollen me like a hippopotamus ( you can imagine what a life that is, if you are working in the Mekka of Fashion and you have to keep on walking on 110 mm heels) but clearly also emotionally.

The other patients had warned me already, an emotional break down moment would come to all of us. I had spotted one Russian lady on the stairs in the treatments building crying with an other patient. But….Nah….. I did not feel that was gonna happen to me….I felt like a warrior on a fertility mission. My motto in life had always been ” what does not kill you makes you stronger” and with such a beautiful and from the heart personal dream I felt like a Rocking Hippo. Crying was for the ones giving up and I was here full on it.

The PK for the last days made me feel vibrant, with WOW what a great skin!….Do you remember I told you in one of my blogs that the vaidya had this optic white neon shining eyewhite? Well mine was getting there too….”PK is Great”

I was more and more learning to listen to “other” messages than mine and felt encouraged about it to continue and not to give up. My warrior strength was growing by the day.

The word of mouth in the “other” world (a gossip runs fast in any world I see) had started and with this spread of rumour also the darker ” Demontor” harry potter Angels were ready to deliver a message.

They  must have listed to the soul song “tonight is the night” up there cause, in the middle of the night, a sniper hit on me …in my dream ( what a coward…when I am sleeping)….or better a true deep dark nightmare.( he must have missed the ” be gentle” part in the soul song)

In this dark nightmare, there it was, I don’t know why, but I knew this it was IT. The ” IT” that was blocking me from being pregnant, just like the Viadya had said in my first pulse consultation, but then in a “20 years After” scenery. Although there was no talking in this dream, I realised WHAT it was and it said something but I did not know not WHAT it said exactly.

I woke up drained, with something big stocking and blocking my throat from swallowing. You would wish you could vomit it out, but I could not.


I went out to get ready with my daily Pancha Karma routine and went to the doctor.

Whereas the other two times he just checked my pulse and after his daily ” Good, Good”I usually could go again, this time ,without me saying anything, he asked me:” How did you dream last night? Do you feel ok?”

After telling him my very bad dream last night ( besides the other very LSD kind of colourful -crazy as hell -dreams I had the other days), he assured me that it was good this was happening, it was normal with the cleansing and especially the Smirti medicine I was taking. (that little medicine I was taking every morning at 5:29…the bast@#@$rd…..I googled quickly this little fellow and Smirti meant in sanskrit “Recollection”. Well, thank you for THIS recollection Mr Smirti. )The doctor explained on a rare occasion ( Vaidyas don’t explain so much, a good exercise to live and let go for us Westerns) that the body according to Ayurveda can recollect and reset its pure and healthy state again with the use of Smirti, topping up with “intention” ( prayer), meditation and PK.

He gave me some cute little black beads to take for the coming days to feel better ( I guess a kind of Ayurvedic Zanex or Prozac if you like, cause I felt better the next day) But for the rest of this day I had to drag myself along as I still felt totally in pieces.


Nothing left of a hippo warrior, I called my husband I wanted to go home and I felt like a stupid desperate woman lost in Ayurvedic translation.

In the treatment room they tried to put some kind of donuts on my back and filled it with some healing warm oils, but I was shaking so much of tears that all the oil was spashling out.

I felt ridiculous, why was I crying so much? But the warm arms around me of my technicians Kumari ( “Jesus is Great” ) felt like the healing mother love, in big caps, I just needed at that moment, saying that it is all going to be all right.

Just like the ending at the Harry Potters movie with the Patronus. The spirit guardian came down bringing positive energy, a Smirti recollection of your good memories to overcome the bad. Shine out the dark with positive light. Was this the message of my dream?